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Being a woman in my late 30s, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve faced very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has influenced both my private and work life. It frustrates my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to addressing a group or making inquiries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid going off-topic, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an starting scholar in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I fall back to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once served us well become maladaptive in adulthood.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than striving. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, ignore, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can grow from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an effort to avoid shame or being seen, by recognizing perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of annoyance and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel understood without you taking responsibility.

This process will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.